the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
