I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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