Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
