Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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