Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
