life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
