so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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