just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
