Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
