I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Drunk is a universal language darling
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