she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
