***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
