Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
