went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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