got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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