I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
