I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
