I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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