Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
