update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I want to fling myself into the sun
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
