she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
