We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize