I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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