If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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