this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
