I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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