Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
