Define "chronic" masturbator.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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