I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
