There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
