please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
