just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize