you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
