My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
