nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize