when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
