the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
