I got chris browned last night
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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