why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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