I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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