also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
