you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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