Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
