he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he was CRYING into my vagina
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
