Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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