I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
