i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
