there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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