i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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