I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
