I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
