woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
