Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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