I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
