Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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