so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
