Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
