and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
