I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
