If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
