You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
