Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I think a kid would responsible me up
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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