dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
