Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
