She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
