I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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