Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
