I wish my penis had an off switch
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Randomize
